Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
