I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
