thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
