Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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