I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
two words: eviction party
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize