i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
