I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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