i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
