Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
