I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
