no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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