part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
