Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
