You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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