Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
