Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We had sex on a dog bed..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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