very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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