i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
