we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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