Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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