Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize