Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize