I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
should my penis look like a turkey
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
