maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
