my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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