the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
