I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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