i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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