pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't put those talents on a resume
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
