hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
