I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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