i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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