He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
