He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
