Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
