You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
