his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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