God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
