i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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