Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
