i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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