i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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