Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
