I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
