I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
