Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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