does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
