Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize