I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
