I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
