I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
