HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
