I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
