OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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