So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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