it was like eating out sand paper
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize