Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
