I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
