My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
