Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
