Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His hands were made for my vagina.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
