Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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