you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't turn off my feet"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize