Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
