Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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