She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
